Plays 1 Page 5

  Anastasia It’s a page I don’t need any more.

  She enters into the kitchen through the swing doors, whistling. Deli, intrigued, gets up and reads the page. Shaking his head, he laughs while reading it.

  Deli (kissing his teeth) What rubbish . . . rubbish.

  Anastasia pops her head over the swing doors. The speeches tumble over each other.

  Anastasia (surprised) Why’s it rubbish?

  Deli walks away.

  Deli (taking the piss) ‘In every disaster lies a lesson’ . . .

  Anastasia It’s true . . .

  Deli . . . ‘If you can truly learn that lesson’ . . .

  Anastasia (increasingly frustrated) . . . I know it in my own life . . .

  Deli . . . blah blah blah . . .

  Anastasia (vexed now) . . . It ain’t no blah blah blah, this is, this is, life-healing stuff . . .

  Deli . . . Healing? What you healing for? . . .

  Anastasia (firm and straight) . . . So when the good tings come along you’re ready?

  Deli (vexed) Good tings don’t happen to me, Anastasia . . .

  Anastasia What stupidness . . .

  Deli . . . Ah my life me ah talk ’bout you na! And you know what me discover? Man is not suppose to want. I wanted, I could have been da don, and what happen? Bam, it get mash. I wanted to, I fucking worked hard to be there with Ashley and his mum! Bam, it get mash. I wanted my brother home, here with me and what happen? One step from the fucking gate, bam, he get mash. Don’t tell me about my life.

  Anastasia (bitter) Oh you’s one feeling sorrow for yourself, motherfucker?

  Deli What? . . .

  Anastasia You have things others dream of. This place . . .

  Deli . . . This place! Tell me what’s so great about this place? I have a handful of customers who spend five pound a shot and talk nonsense all day! What did you say I have again?

  Anastasia You have you child. ‘Anyting better than having you child –’ How could anyting good happen to you when you don’t look after the shit you have.

  Beat.

  Deli (angry) And how am I suppose to do that?

  Anastasia (growls with passion, close up to his face) You supposed to clean up your environment, Deli. This restaurant stinks. People walk in here, they smell Digger and walk straight back out. I’ve seen it. But you, my friend, you’re comfortable with the stench of death around you?

  Deli There’s nothing wrong with Digger that a couple of years’ intense hard labour wouldn’t put right.

  Anastasia If you’re gonna joke forget it. You mek me tired.

  Deli You know that tone you just used with me? Do you always talk to your bosses like that? Cos I ain’t use to my employees taking to me like that!

  Anastasia You know what? You’re right.

  Anastasia walks to get her coat.

  Deli Where you going?

  Anastasia (screams, visibly upset) Why are my men too weak to raise their head above the fucking water. I don’t want to be around another loser, Deli! I lose too much in my life already.

  She’s putting on her coat.

  Deli It’s cos Digger’s in here that them other punks don’t come looking for money.

  Anastasia (stops) What money?

  Deli Ah, so there’s something’s you don’t know, Oprah? Protection money.

  Anastasia You pay protection money?

  Deli No, that’s the point. So Digger helps me, OK!

  Anastasia (tired) Whatever, Deli, whatever!

  Coat in hand she makes to leave. Deli thinks for a moment.

  Deli Hold up na!

  She carries on walking.

  Do you like plantain?

  Anastasia (stops, unsure where he is heading) Ummm! Sure!

  Deli Well, wait na!

  He enters the kitchen leaving her outside now. He laughs.

  Huh! Look up there, what do you see?

  Anastasia Ummmmm, picture of your mother?

  Deli That was the last person to talk to me like that and still have dem head.

  Beat.

  ‘We have entered a stranger’s dream, and for trespassing he has rewarded us with his worse nightmare’ is what my father use to say about living in England.

  Anastasia He come back here though, innit?

  Deli enters with two ‘plantain burgers’ and hands one to Anastasia.

  Deli Da da! You ever had a plantain burger before?

  Anastasia No!

  Deli Here, try this. Breast of chicken, sitting on crisp lettuce with three slices of succulent plantain, all in a sesame toasted bun.

  Anastasia I hope you’re not trying to obea me!

  They laugh. She takes a bite.

  Anastasia Ummmmmmmmmmm!

  Deli Good, huh?

  Anastasia Yeah, almost as good as my macaroni pie!

  Beat.

  Deli About a week before Clifton left, right, I was about ten and it was around midnight, I had the munchies bad. So I went downstairs and looked in the pot. There was one piece of juicy-looking chicken. But I didn’t fancy that by itself so I opened the fridge door and there it was, a plantain. So I took it out and commenced to fry. (Laughing at the remembrance.) And it came out alright. I jammed that chicken in a bun and threw the burnt-up plantain on top ah it and boyyyyy that ting taste gooooood. I was so digging on that bun, I had forgotten to switch off the frying pan. And yeah, it went up. Blacked up the whole kitchen. Mum and Dad heard me scream and ran down. Eventually, Dad put out the pan. My mum was just pleased that I had survived but first thing my dad did when the smoke had cleared was open the chicken pot. When he saw it had gone he ran upstairs and got his belt boy and beat my claat. He said it was because I nearly burnt down the kitchen, but I know it was because of the chicken breast.

  Anastasia laughs.

  Deli I haven’t made it since then.

  Anastasia (excited) Deli, you’s a fool. You know you have the answer right here, you know?

  Deli What?

  Anastasia (excited) Blouse and skirts, West Indian fast food! That’s wicked. You sell dis and do up a place likkle bit and different mans would come into your restaurant. I take back all I said, damn, I knew I liked you for a reason.

  She throws her arms around him. He’s unsure how to react.

  Deli You can’t take back! . . .

  Anastasia . . . Yes I can! . . .

  Deli . . . No you can’t . . .

  Anastasia (close to his face) . . . Yes I can . . .

  She kisses him. He kisses her back. After a few beats, though, he violently stops and pulls away.

  Deli Na, na. Sorry.

  Anastasia (searching for his eyes, trying to convince) It’s OK . . . I liked it.

  He walks to the other side of the counter. Anastasia steps back, a little rejected.

  Anastasia What’s wrong?

  Deli doesn’t respond. Anastasia walks to him, gently puts her hand on his face again.

  Anastasia (without emotion) I’ll do the wanting.

  Deli (vexed, moves away) No, I can’t do this. You’re not a bore-through gal, Ani.

  Anastasia Well then, don’t just bore through.

  Deli I ain’t got nothing else to offer you right now.

  She doesn’t reply.

  (Angry.) The boys are betting on when I’m gonna fuck you, Anastasia! Ashley’s betting.

  Anastasia I don’t watch what other people think.

  She slowly pulls Deli’s head to face her and kisses him gently on the mouth. He kisses her back. Just as the shop bell rings he pulls back, holds her face in his hands and stares at her carefully.

  Enter Digger. He looks well vexed. Frustrated, Anastasia walks and stands near the swing doors to the kitchen. Deli is unsure what Digger has seen.

  Deli (embarrassed, says the first thing that comes into his head) Hey! You’re back?

  Digger (snaps back) What kind of question is that? Of course I’m back. Give me a cocoa tea.

  Anastasia exits to the kitchen, shaking her
head. Silence.

  Digger (convincing himself) Me have fe talk it. Me just have fe talk it. I’m not vex, you nah, I’m vex na pussyclaat. I just had to deal with tricky. The fool na just switch pon me!

  Deli is not really that interested. He looks in the direction of the kitchen.

  Deli Switch?

  Digger Switch, that’s what I fucking said, innit? Switch! He na go collect money that is mine, and give it to Renton crew as a ‘gift-offering’.

  Deli Wha?

  Digger Yes, gift, so that they would accept him inna dem crew! My fucking money! What the fuck is happening around here? I had to mark him str –

  Deli (holding his hand in the air to stop Digger) Yo! Digger –

  Digger – Don’t cut me in mid-flow! You na hear what the advert say – it’s good to talk. Me, I need to get this off my chest. Anyway, when me finally hunt down Tricky I tek out my blade – the long one with the bend on the top – and me slice –

  Deli – Digger, don’t pollute up my vibes wid dem talk dey – !

  Digger (exclaims) . . . Pollute?! Deli, you went to prison for GBH, on three men and their dogs. How de fuck I gonna pollute you?

  Deli (losing it a little) A restaurant is not the place to discuss fucking murder.

  Digger Where else me suppose to talk about it? On the street?

  Deli Digs, right now I don’t care, just not in here, not today.

  Digger I didn’t murder him, I just cu –

  Deli (shouts) Digger! You can’t hear me? I said I don’t want to hear about it. If you can’t hear me, man, come out!

  Digger (disbelief switches to cold) What? Of your restaurant?

  Deli (a little defensively) I ain’t saying that, Digger, I’m just saying, what if someone walked into the place and overheard this kind of talk? They’d have heard all your bizness. You didn’t even check, you just come in and start fe talk. Suppose 5.0 was in here?

  Digger But they ain’t! Nobody comes inside here.

  Deli (losing it a bit) Well maybe that’s the problem. Look, I don’t want no dirty talk inside yere, take from that what you want.

  Beat.

  Digger Well, I shocked, Deli. When you does call me ignorant I don’t like it but I take it, but now my talk is not good enough for you and your restaurant? Me that sit down in here for a lifetime, is not good enough? . . .

  Deli (tired) . . . I didn’t say that, Digger.

  Digger Seen, so you, like all them other niggers round here, switching on me?

  Anastasia comes to the swing door. Deli looks to her. Digger looks to her.

  Deli Let me get some more cocoa from the back.

  Deli and Anastasia clock each other for a moment before exiting into the back, leaving Digger in the restaurant alone.

  Digger (vexed, to himself) Keep your fucking tea. Ah wha de?!

  Ashley enters.

  Ashley Yes! Digger!

  Digger turns to Ashley. He pauses for a moment. Looks to see if Deli’s about. He’s not.

  Digger (slow but over-friendly) Yes, Ashley, what gwan?

  The lights slowly fade.

  Act Two

  The lights are down. We hear the voices of all the characters sing a slow blues called ‘You Gotta Move’. While they are singing the lights slowly rise so that we can just about make out the figures. Facing upstage, the characters are at Dougie’s funeral. Set to the side is a lone female figure in traditional African headgear playing the gurkel.

  All

  You may be rich

  You may be poor

  You may be young

  You may be old

  But when the Lord gets ready you ga’da move

  You may be black

  You may be white

  You may be wrong

  You may be right

  But when the Lord gets ready you ga’da move

  You ga’da move

  You ga’da move

  You ga’da move child

  You ga’da move

  And when the Lord gets ready you go’da move

  And when the Lord gets ready you go’da move

  The lights fade during the final chorus.

  Scene One

  Restaurant. Night, three weeks later.

  Lights snap up on a refurbished restaurant. It looks good. The newly painted walls no longer have any posters. And the stools have been replaced by new Ikea-type modern ones. The only thing that remains is the picture of Elmina above the swing doors. And the TV, which is on. Above Elmina’s picture, however, is a new sign that reads, ‘ELMINA’S PLANTAIN HUT’. On the back wall is a picture of Dougie with the words ‘Dougie Andrews, 1959–2003 RIP. They have just had the opening-night party. Deli is closing the door behind the last customer/party attendee. Anastasia is clearing away the glasses and plates of food. Baygee and Clifton, who are very tipsy, are sitting at the counter. Baygee is playing his guitar and Clifton is singing loudly to the calypso rhythm being played. As he sings his eyes follow Anastasia. Deli is in buoyant mood.

  Clifton (sings)

  Jooking, jooking, jooking

  Gal her you bottom do so much stunt

  Jooking, jooking, jooking

  Let we try disting from de front

  Jooking, jooking, jooking

  I hope it’s good seed you does lay

  Jooking, jooking till de break of day.

  Deli Clifton, stop dat na, man.

  He shouts to the customers who have just left. He is in new businessman mode.

  Bye, thanks for coming. Don’t forget for each ten burgers ordered you get the eleventh free . . . OK . . . Thanks again.

  Clifton mocks him to Baygee.

  Clifton (sings) For each ten burgers ordered you get the eleventh free! (Speaks.) Black people buying ten ah anyting, eh, Baygee?

  Ashley (swigging from champagne bottle, looks at his watch nervously) Right, that’s the family ting done!

  Deli (friendly) So what, you can’t help me clean up the place?

  Ashley What?!

  Anastasia Thank you for helping, Ashley, tonight, Ashley.

  Ashley doesn’t quite know how to react, so quickly smiles.

  Deli turns to Clifton.

  Deli And I hope you’re proud of yourself?

  Clifton What happen to you?

  Deli The need for you to get on the table, start singing blasted rude calypsos and running the blasted customers was what. It was supposed to be an upmarket launch.

  Beside herself, Anastasia laughs under her breath.

  Clifton (taking the piss) Upmarket launch? It was a party! And when man have party people suppose to dance, not stand up and chat. What de arse this generation coming to?

  Deli It’s the opening of a new West Indian restaurant, Clifton, not a blasted shebeen!

  Clifton There was nothing West Indian about it. You have a master calypsonian sitting right here, you know, and would you let him play? NO! We had to mek coup in the name of culture and take matters into we own hand.

  Deli (matter-of-fact) No disrespect, Baygee, but that was not the image we (looking at Anastasia), I, want people to connect with this restaurant. It’s a new vibes we ah deal in right now.

  Anastasia Listen, the man from the council pre-ordered a month’s delivery of plantain burgers for black history month and paid upfront. We should be proud ah we ourselves. West Indian fast food reach.

  Just as she is about to hug him, he steps back, takes the bottle of champagne away from Ashley and returns to Anastasia with a glass.

  Clifton If you ask me, fast and West Indian is a contradiction in terms.

  Deli (to Anastasia) Here.

  Anastasia (pointed) I’ve had too much already. Any more and you’ll have to carry me home on your back.

  Deli Drink the drink na. Tonight is well special, it’s also my bir . . .

  Baygee changes to an old-time kinky reggae rhythm. Clifton instantly recognises it, stands on the stool and starts to sing at the top of his voice.

  Clifton (sings)


  Soldering ah wha de young gal want, soldering.

  Welding ah what de young gal want, welding.

  Deli Jesus!

  Ashley (nervously checks his mobile) Gwan, Grandad.

  Deli Clifton, will you stop you noise?

  Clifton stops momentarily.

  Clifton What de arse do this, boy?

  Kisses his teeth.

  Anastasia Maybe you should call your dad and Baygee a taxi!

  Clifton is offended by Anastasia’s comment.

  Clifton What you trying to say, I is drunk?

  Deli Finish up you drinks, Clifton, home time.

  Clifton Answer me this! Can a drunk man extemporise?

  Anastasia I don’t know, Clifton.

  Clifton (concentrating hard) Well, think about it. See! You can’t answer because, the answer would be contri, contradictory to your current thesis.

  Anastasia laughs.

  Clifton Baygee! Prepare me a rhythm.

  Deli Oh man!

  Baygee starts to play an old-time calypso rhythm.

  Clifton You ready? You ready? Young boy, give me a subject quick while the rhythm hot! Quick!

  Anastasia pours herself a drink.

  Ashley Um, um football! Football!

  Clifton Here we go. They use to call me culture master. Be prepared to get teach. (Sings.)

  History is a funny thing,

  History is a funny thing,

  Listen to me, people,

  Cos is about football me ah sing.

  Clive Best the greatest

  Baller West Ham ever had,

  But from the stands they’d shout each game,

  Go home you black bastard.

  Deli Oh here we go!

  Clifton (sings)

  Oh England, what a wonderful land,

  In England what you must understand,

  Is whatever you do, wherever you rise,

  Please realise, you could never disguise

  You’s a black man in a cold cold land.

  Deli That isn’t about football! It’s you on your high horse again.

  Clifton (vexed) Did you hear the word football?

  Deli Yeah . . .

  Clifton (turning to Ashley) . . . Did you hear the name of a footballer?

  Ashley Yes.

  Clifton Den it was about football, wasn’t it?!

  Ashley Grandad, you give me jokes, boy!

  Deli I’m going to put the rubbish outside and I’m calling you a taxi, Clifton.